Archive for May, 2008

May I introduce myself, my name is Worry. I worry about everything. Today he is so mellow and sweet but all he wants to do is sleep and nap – so what do I do? Worry.

Breakfast at 1:30pm, napped, up about 5pm, had some dinner, watched 1 period of hockey and he’s back in bed. I turned the TV off thinking it bothers him but he said he just wants to nap.

I guess it is better – if he is sleeping, maybe his mind is at peace – I know one thing, he doesn’t have to function or make decisions. Our specialist said this, too.

But is he slipping away from me, how long do we have, will he be able to stay home for a long time yet, should I pack up and sell, should I move to the city about 40 minutes away or should I move to the “big” city and be near our sons, should I stay here til he no longer realizes if we move?

I gathered his suits together to give to the thrift shop – he protested, “I may meed those some day.” We have a great load of dress shoes, no longer worn. I chose a few favorite ties and tossed the others – difficult to do but couldn’t bear to see them on someone else.

Well, better go, I’m sure I’ll find something else to worry about:)

The young couple next door to us have been incredibly kind and helpful – yesterday, I heard a tap on the door – the young fellow wanted to borrow our mower.
Heard him start it and thought it sounded strange. It was because he was mowing our lawns. Trimmed after he mowed, also. Then he carried on and did his yard – nothing to it when you’re 35!

He invited Wayne over to play with the dog. The 2 guys sat enjoying sunshine and beer for a half hour. Phone rang and it was the fellow all concerned. Wayne wanted to take the dog for a walk and he didn’t know what to say. Told him I’d come get Wayne “to help me” and it worked. (He cannot go on his own – probably the dog would have brought him home but who knows)

Then invited for a beautiful ham dinner at my sister’s. Are we spoiled or what – and a plate to go.

Last night, after we got to sleep, he got up several times, looked out the window, looked around as if searching for something, turned circles about 3 times and then just stood there.

I asked him each time if he needed to use the toilet – didn’t. He did want water and I noticed his under shorts on the floor in the bathroom. Pulled up his top as I asked him if he had shorts on. (Didn’t) “I don’t know, I’d wear them if I had any.” (???)

Really praying that this night ritual isn’t the start of something new – also, ever since we had company, he has been getting up at 8 or 8:30am – which is wonderful for me but a huge change from sleeping til I’d wake him at 5pm.

***Update – I think I figured out his roaming and taking shorts off: his brain has been functioning “opposite” – eg. left is right, etc. He was probably warm and took his shorts off instead of the T shirt he sleeps in.

We’re watching the Stanley Cup playoffs – he grabs my hand and says he loves me because I like hockey. I burst into tears. He asks what’s the matter. We talk about his playing hockey for the Army – I asked him about his hockey playing days – he starts to explain and I lose it – tears rolls down my cheeks and puddle on the floor. I try to get up and run – he grabs my hand, “Why are you crying, Hon?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll check email – I have a friend who needs me.”

Tears stream down my face – I run away so he can’t see. He followed me to the living room – “It’s me, isn’t it?”
Dear, God.

After having company for a few days, forgot we were alone this evening when I told him I’d go have a nice soak in the tub. Slid down in the (heavily:) bubbled bath when I realized he’s out in the living room on his own.

It was kin to trying to sneak a bath (but quickly) when the children were young. I listened for “something” – there was nothing. That’s almost worse so I quickly lathered up, rinsed off and dressed.

Came out to the living room and he’s sitting in his chair reading, looks up at me and smiles. His smile still melts my heart as it did some 45 years ago.