Archive for October 8th, 2008

So I find it difficult to watch my dear man just close his eyes and zone out. After the specialist assured me it’s not depression, just part of the AD process, I can try to not be so upset. Dear, God, let me zone out with him, OK? Seems it would be easier if we both did.

Last weekend, after several times just sitting in his chair, eyes closed, not moving a muscle, I actually asked if he wanted to ever go bowling again. Placed a swift kick right there as soon as I said it – he couldn’t recall bowling. I know better but I was trying to make it better – do something.

After several long talks (with the doc), realize he doesn’t need to do anything, I feel he needs to. So, not so smart after all. This week has been better as I let him rest in his chair – I steal a peek and it’s tough to watch but hopefully his mind is at rest – his body surely is.

If only I could let it go – I think I’m still hoping for a miracle, not asking, just hoping.

I have my mammogram scheduled for November. Due to a history of biopsies, etc. our provincial medical system keeps track of me and sends “recall” cards like your dental office. So far so good, fingers crossed.

Thoughts lurk in the back of my mind, what if. But I read one should say aloud, “My mammogram will be clear.” Power of positive thinking.

Anyway, if he were whole, I’d not worry quite as much but God forbid (reverently spoken) those question marks of past years. It’s just that he cannot function on his own and what if – the biggest what if I needed chem and he couldn’t help me or himself.

I always recall a time when 3 shadows showed and I had to go for further testing. We headed off to the States after crying in each others arms for several nights. When we got back to Canada, I called my medical office. Bless her heart – said I know you can’t say positive or negative so just tell me if I should come home or carry on with my vacation. Unfair to put her in that position but knew her for years – “Carry on.” Happiest words I heard that year.