Archive for October, 2008

Gosh it’s difficult to watch him struggle. Tonight I looked up to see him struggling to get his sweater on – he had it by the bottom and of course, couldn’t “make it work”. At least he doesn’t get upset when I help.

Earlier, he went to apply liquid soap to his hands – he had his palm down (opposite, again?) and the spout facing away from where he needed it (opposite again?). Kind of made me sick to wonder how long he may not have been able to get soap when he needed it.

Just now, he wanted to change Buddy’s drinking water – he never forgets to tend to Buddy! After much help, he found the laundry room but (a first), couldn’t find the water dish which has been in the same spot for 5 years. When I showed him the dish, he replied, “Oh, no wonder, the water’s clear.”

I need blinders for my eyes and a balm for my heart.

I plate our meals – it’s less confusing for him and I serve him first.

It always amazes me that he sits, waiting for me, before he takes a bite. His deep down love and courtesy never fail him. How can his brain reroute this love/manners to still be in his daily living?

There are still many blessings everyday – I’m sorry to have not mentioned them – but I will!

It’s been difficult lately. Everything is “opposite”.
Helping him with his sweater, “Lean forward, Hon.” He presses his body back. Can’t hang his jacket any longer – puts hanger in the hood and somewhere in the front of it – then proclaims it’s not right but maybe it will stay there.

Shoes and slippers are a nightmare unless I catch him to help before he tries.

Right vs. left, up vs. down, forward vs. back – it goes on and on. Picks up his beloved Buddy to go to bed – “where would that be?”

Yesterday he put his watch on his right arm and I kind of waited a moment- you know how weird that feels. He doesn’t feel much any more and before I got to him, was struggling to latch it. I moved it to his left arm and he still couldn’t do it. Another first.

Tonight we had dinner with S&R (thanks again) and he has forgotten stuff from past memory which he used to remember. He’s a gifted, fine wood worker and made a crib for our babies, mahogany with exact same design as our beloved bedroom suite. All hand beveled, attached 2 drawers under the crib and 4 down the side. A thing of beauty. Doesn’t remember it or making it.

Conversation came around to it and that period no longer exists in his mind. He doesn’t remember flying anymore, although he told one aide that he flew 6 and 8 seaters but not jets – which is true.

To be honest, I think my physical ailments are due to the stress of losing him slowly, bit by bit.
I have blood work to be done tomorrow, EKG and stress test was great on Wednesday. I could really travel on that treadmill! Didn’t go anywhere but they were impressed – - – and no physical heart disease.

The locum doc suggested he go in for a week of respite but I want to hold off til Christmas is over. Can’t ruin what may be his last Christmas at home and our last family Christmas.

If God would grant me one prayer, it would for him to get better or slide faster. This is absolute agony.

To Doc today (locum) very nice, seemed knowledgeable. Tomorrow EKG and stress test. Will post what I learn.

I diagnose stress.

Ty everyone for your kindness over the past bit. I’ve been very stressed out and posts were downright ugly.

So, every 4 months we have an eye exam – my worry always is that someday he may not be able to give her a good reading for prescription lenses.

His glasses are scratched so may as well do exam a bit early if we are getting new lenses.

I’m already preparing for, “Whyyyyyyyyy?”