Archive for April, 2009

So, moments after I posted last, he looked over at  me and said, “So where are we?”

For a millisecond I was stunned then answered we are in the living room of our house.

“Oh, I thought we were over there.” – He’s pointing to the front entry door.

I ask if he wants to go out for a walk, declines. “No, I just wanted to know where we are and now you told me.”

Ever since respite, he’s been occupied with the door. I’ll have to ask if tried to leave while there – he was alarmed so they could catch him very quickly if he opened any exterior door.

So, I’m scrubbing his bathroom thinking a grenade would help – - -

Anyway, he is hovering nearby and honestly offering to help.

“Here, take the paper towel to the “big bathroom” – I know he’s willing but can’t find it. He turns right out of our bedroom and opens the linen closet.

Then I give him toilet tissue rolls to put in a large ziplock bag – total confusion but he’s happy helping and being with me.

All of a sudden, he’s searching earnestly for something. We finally figure out it’s his shirt. I find one – “no, not that one, the one I was wearing this morning.” Once I remembered which shirt, we are in full search mode, I find it quickly:)

Offer to help him get it on. He burst out laughing and says he doesn’t want to wear it, he’s worked so hard he’s sweating like a pig! We both collapsed in laughter. And so the day goes – - -

We had leftover flooring sitting in a pile outside. It’s been bugging him for a bit.

Yesterday, after our walks, he decided to sort and save it.

I always sit out of view to watch him as he could easily take a hike – literally!

It was impressive to see him “think” thru the various widths and lengths. He started piling them on our front entry, sorted by size. After maybe 10 minutes, he got confused.

He would have maybe 4 pieces in his hand and study them, set them down and then decide to set them upright. Wondered what he would do when they fell. He reacted swiftly and grabbed them, studying again. Finally, they were propped at a 45 degree angle on our steps.

It was torturous to watch so I called him for a snack. I had planned, then forgot to move them. This morn, he sees them again. Now he filled our 3 plastic bins with the wood – recycling, garbage and yard waste.

The frustration must be awful but I let him do it partially to feel useful and also to get some exercise.

Was that right or wrong? I don’t know.

My sister said, “No wonder he sleeps so much, it’s tough for him to think.”

I am being selfish but I want this to end – for him, for me, for both of us. Don’t go worrying, I’m not ending it, I just want it to end – we are a long way from “end”.

One of the most difficult things for me is to watch the slide – a daily slide, unstoppable, silent but huge in magnitude. That is one of my biggest stresses. I can spin our world on my shoulders and do everything that needs to be done – but it seems so futile.

A witness to a mountain disaster once said that he expected a deafening roar as the mountain came down but it was quick, monstrous and devastating. I wish. Well, I got 2 out of 3 – it is monstrous and very, very devastating.

So now I take him with me to do my 31 minutes on the treadmill. He doesn’t want to be alone in the living room.

At 18 minutes, my knee starting hurting – I think I was all tensed up. Anyway, quit then.

After last evening’s upset, he is still a bit out of sorts – off and on. It’s a bit antsy to live with as he’s usually Mr. Mellow.

Anyway, maybe it’s just another step in the process and God knows he has reason to be anything but mellow. He has handled the journey so well. Maybe the sun breaks thru his fog and he realizes his condition.

We are doing ok – can’t be upset with him – he can’t help himself – and tomorrow is another day.